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Nir, my beloved son

On the 26th October Dad and I celebrated our 27th anniversary and while we were sitting on the shore of a lake in Austria, our summing up our life’s best achievements was you – our 4 wonderful children- a happy family.

Europe in autumn - in shades of red. Yellow green and white of the last snow- were all with us coming back to Israel engulfed with the calming colors and odors from Europe …until that horrible unaccepted moment, when great hammers were slammed on me, heartbeats and week knees all at once, when I saw daddy standing at our bedroom door telling me ”get up Nir was killed in a car accident “

And so- sitting on the sofa during the Shiva, not feeling cold nor hunger, thirst nor pain as if my body was already gone from this world.

Around me all your high school friends, the scouts, friends from the army joining in and on all their faces we could see hurt and embarrassment, not knowing what to do with their sorrow.

Staring, looking at pictures, telling funny stories about you, writing, crying- and I wanted to console them all and tell them it is not really happening for in a moment you will be standing at the door with that everlasting smile of yours like the time when you came into our bedroom waving your hand and telling me – Hi Pic, hi Mum I am home leave the car tomorrow… and this picture stays with me and the grief tears my heart apart, the very same heart that used to give you so much …that always worried about your feeling your every mood at any given time of your days…

And now at nights I lay in bed, listening with eyes closed, thinking about you, my Nir, laying underneath all those flowers, under the wet earth, under the coffin’s lid…and knowing that with your death – so died my very soul.

“Little children we carry on our hands, big children we carry in our hearts “I remembered that saying soaked with endless motherly tears and your memory is carved on my heart but it does not burden me only pains so much.

I think about you when I am lying down or walking around.

This morning I came into your room, and your bed was empty. Everything was exactly as you left it the night you went away…

I opened your drawers only to discover all my letters to you throughout our years together, when I wanted to cheer you up, birthdays and holidays greetings, the greeting on your being drafted into the army that you kept and a letter I wrote you on your school graduation in March 2001 and you – my sensitive child kept it – and so I wrote:

“Nir I do not buy your stories that you can not do it, you can and you will, all you have to do is to want it badly enough for it is important that you will understand there is nothing perfect in life but you have a soul, a beauty, good qualities and lots of love and once you learn to appreciate yourself you will be able to deal with that problem of yours called studying, and please remember you are always in my heart on my mind and in my soul and you will succeed and in a few years time we will all be laughing about it all- but until then – do something… You’re loving, admiring and supporting – mother

And so I wonder around your room touching things finding signs you left behind as if you knew…collecting tiny feathers that are all around me in your room as if all those little items get a last minute importance.

Nir my child please take care of your brothers and sister, of grandpa and grandma that love you so very much

Up you fly with all the feathers and clouds hovering up above …

I miss you my child…

Hugging you. Loving you so much…



Mum